Bunny Burrow

This entry is written for a friend of a friend of mine. It is put in English, in which I am much less expressive and less eloquent, only to make those who are not concerned even less interested and leave the website immediately. How could one know if one is concerned? If you read the first sentence of this paragraph and know that it is for you, then you are the purported reader(s), otherwise...

Let me name the three characters, Chinese themselves, Lucy, Luke and Jeff. As far as I know, the story runs like this: Lucy met Jeff one and half years ago during her down and gloomy days. He was a simple, kind and decent man, having a heart much more decent than the one who had left her deceived and suffering previously. They became each other's boy/girlfriend in months and were happy together until last summer when Lucy, just as planned, went abroad for further study. The country she went to is said to be a dreamy land, where you may try to realize all your dreams, big dreams, small dreams, crazy dreams... But long before she could put her hands on any of her dreams, she met Luke. Luke a someone whose acquaintance I have the honor to have. He is smart, very manly, very quick in reasoning but very deliberate all the same. Lucy found a lot in common with Luke. They can indulge themselves in talking from the lips or typing under the fingers for hours each day without tire, admiring the other's shrewdness and the deep harmony in between. In short, she began for the first time to feel the great feelings of true communication, which was absent from her relationship with Jeff. To me, that means such communication cannot be established between them, because they had been together for such long time and what could be said should have been said. From this logic a breakup with Jeff was in due course at this point, with or without Luke as a factor, because their failure in communication was a more than sufficient reason. However, the fact turned out in such a way that a simple story became a total mess that no one desired, or deserved: Lucy went back to China last month and got married with Jeff.

Even a complete outsider like me, knowing all that went before, was a little disturbed, so there is no need to describe what ghastly gloominess Luke was suffering like none of his friends had seen before. To me, Lucy has definitely made a wrong decision, if, of course, I have been imparted the truth all the time. She won't be able to defend her decision from any aspect. For her own sake, she isn't doing herself any good in marrying Jeff. Marriage is a very delicate and complex matter, so delicate and complex that I sometimes even doubt whether simpletons like us human beings can afford or deserve it. It is true that one can always feel the loneliness in this crazy world and desires a companion in one's fight at any cost; but it is also true that mankind is such a selfish and insolent species that when living together in the long run, another's once trivial drawbacks and all those 'unmatched' parts of the two are magnified larger and larger before it becomes insufferable and justifies a divorce. So when you cannot find perfect harmony and beatific happiness with the one you have been dating for a year, don't marry him/her, because the feeling of harmony and happiness in 'the dating phase' of your relationship always looks bigger than they are. To be short, if Lucy cannot find the feeling of true communications now, she will only find less in the future. On the other side, for Jeff, the marriage is not fair either. I know that at first glance it seems to many that Jeff is the one, if there is one, who may benefit or get what he wants in this case, but I contend that it is not the case at all. First, the same reason that ran above also applies: he must be feeling no more happiness in their relationship than Lucy does, so he also needs another one with whom he has great communications. I always believe that everyone has a treasure in his mind, smaller or bigger, a treasure that the right person(s) could delight in in their communications. Lucy is just not the right person to open the chest of Jeff's. Second, a man, every man, deserves a wife who loves him, not someone who holds compassion towards him or wants marry him only to answer her own call of loyalty or morality. I think there is no need for an exposition of this point. Yes, it was Jeff who asked Lucy's hand, but he might not be able to see what was good for him at that time...anyway, from a complete outsider's view, this indiscreet decision is equally bad for Lucy and Jeff. Last but absolutely not the least, the news of the marriage is as devastating to Luke's life as it can be. To me, Lucy made the decision without any consideration of poor Luke. And she, more than anyone else, knows how much hope she has left to Luke, and how precious these hopes are to him.

If I were asked to give practical advices to these characters, I would say Lucy and Jeff should try to find a way of a peaceful divorce. The sooner the better. A divorce is a must, but since we were not born from a crack on a boulder and there are some people whose feelings we care to protect and who don't want to hear more of a divorce than of an improper marriage, one has to pace discreetly in executing the plan. So first they should conceal, if possible, the news of their marriage from reaching these people. Then they can sit down and talk and talk and talk...before they get an agreement on the decision of divorce, and make a plan and schedule for it. It is crucial to involve as few people as possible. The involvement of others, particularly those who even don't understand the situation as much as I do, can only make this complex situation even messier and more inextricable. The fewer people involved the easier for Jeff and Lucy to come to their senses and make a reasonable plan best for their own future. If our heroine likes, Luke need not be considered as a factor in this discussion, because, as I have emphasized, the inopportune marriage is worse for Jeff and herself than for Luke. All the necessities considered, it is still a hard decision to make and the decision making is a torment in itself, but one is supposed to pay after making such a horrible mistake, isn’t it?

Writing this essay is actually leading me to some geeky and philosophical thinking, which is useless for anyone but had better be settled down before it dissolves into the air. I am constantly wandering why Lucy decided to marry Jeff. And the only reason I can get is that in her eyes, it was good and fair to him. But in a matter like marriage, in a matter in which oneself is deeply involved, it is more consistent to be an egotist than an altruist. The Chinese adage has it 'how do you know the joy and sorrow of fish when you are no fish?' One can only know one's own feelings and therefore should not 'help' others think or feel. One cannot afford the price of betraying one's own heart in so grave a matter as marriage. If you make a decision of a 'sacrifice' which YOU think is good for the other you may end up finding both lives ruined by it.